At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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