my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
