I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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