i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He passed out mid-signature
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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