when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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