If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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