you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
