There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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