i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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