Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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