I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize