he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize