3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
