Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
