I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize