At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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