Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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