i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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