dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
