if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
