I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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