I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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