I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize