Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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