i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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