i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
send nudes
from the living room?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
