dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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