I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
