Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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