Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize