my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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