OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize