that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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