If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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