dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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