I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
