Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
