so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
