Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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