I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
