the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
