Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
