where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm jealous of your bromance
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
