I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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