I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
