I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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