Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
