I'm going to rape someone's good day.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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