how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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