He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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