The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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