I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
