Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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