So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize