the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
