i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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