My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
