there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
