either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
