Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
