The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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