I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
