I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
