I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
